Edgar Allan Poe, Complete Writings (via h-o-r-n-g-r-y)
I keep a lot of stuff buried inside. Right or wrong, I do. I don’t like burdening people, especially people I care deeply about. I didn’t tell a soul about the seriousness of a medical test that happened a while ago (yes I’m dealing with it - finally, and yes I will be fine). I didn’t tell a soul that about 4 months ago, I had a negative balance in my business account and didn’t know how I was going to pay staff (I managed to find a way). I didn’t tell a soul that people very close to me aren’t well (I deal with it daily and ensure that it gets better). I didn’t tell a soul about my childhood (bah). Before some of you send a message saying it’s good to talk and that you’re willing to listen please know that I appreciate it very much. I do, but that’s just not who I am. I don’t chat with many people on this thing, and I really do come on here to scroll through my dash and post when something resonates in me.
My counselor says that’s why I had anger episodes (I’m very thankful for him because he’s given me some fantastic strategies for dealing with and letting go of the anger. I’m so much better. So so so much better). I don’t expect people to read what I write, I don’t expect followers. I honestly don’t expect any of that. I’m flattered, but I don’t expect it. I simply vent. Some days are better than others, some phases are worse than others. That’s life though. Life is full of ups and downs and you can’t change that. All you can do is change how you react to it. Try and navigate it, make contingency plans, re-route the course so to speak.
I realize my keeping stuff bottled up has cost me in life. I get that and I deal with that. I also accept that, while it has cost me, it has also benefited them. Being away from me made others happier, more successful and well, it was a good result for them. By leaving me, they were able to soar, and that’s really what you want isn’t it? To see people thrive. It’s cost me in business, but I also realize that every bottom is an opportunity to build and I have - with reckless abandon. It’s cost me in a variety of other ways, but each time it’s cost me, I’ve bounced and enjoyed the results of building and of overcoming. I’m not perfect. I’m a flawed, flawed individual, but I believe in myself and I also know that I will not let defeats conquer me. That’s what resiliency means.
Some of you will say open up more - fix it. Bah, I say. I fix the mechanics of how I live life. I fix my mindset, I fix my outlook, I fix my actions. The being quiet and contemplative, that’s part of who I am. That’s not a fixable so to speak. Naysayers will argue, and I will argue back. It’s my mind so I win….lol. I guess the point of this is to say, yeah some people bottle up, but there are still ways to deal with it. Fix your coping mechanisms. Find an outlet that you can be comfortable with. That’s how you move foward and how you ensure that defeats don’t cripple you.